People try to control because they’re afraid. It doesn’t matter if it’s obsessive cleaning/ordering, or building emotional walls/tests/barriers- the root is the same.

Fear couples with denial and creates an inability to be present or to do an accurate assessment of self or others. You become the animal chasing its own tail as you tell yourself various reasons why things are not working as you wish. You try to exert more control, as though Life is completely controllable- that if you just use the right formula, assert the right amount of pressure, give/withhold enough love, figure out the “right thing to do” it will all work out.

That you won’t get hurt in the process.

But Life isn’t controllable, although certain aspects can appear to be for at least a little while. There is an interesting and irritating hubris in thinking that Love, Good Fortune, even Health or Beauty are completely within our control if we’re positive enough, take the right courses, follow this regimen, or that guru. We create and support entire industries with those insecurities, but more importantly, we cut ourselves off from the only things that actually work: openness, the willingness to learn, and the willingness to take our own beliefs with a grain of salt.

A friend who was despairing of ever finding true love grew annoyed with my advice, as though I couldn’t understand her desire and shot out at me, “You had yours!”

And yes, I did have true and abiding love in my life, but it happened because I was foolish enough to marry a man who was crazy enough to propose on our second date, and was confident enough to drop anchor with a woman he’d known a few months at work, and insanely marry six weeks after our first date.

We were lucky: our risks proved to be solid, and through great difficulties and our goodly share of problems, we had 37 intensely loving years together. We made that luck by being open to the possibility of love, because we each knew that failure wouldn’t break us. Because we’d lived through pain and loss in our lives, we could afford to take a risk on the possibility of the good. Because we each also understood that commitment had to equal passion.

There are no guarantees beyond “death and taxes” yet humans keep betting against the house and wondering why our emotional pockets are empty. The Universe is over 13 billion years old. Humans have existed for about 200 thousand. We are babies: arrogant, ignorant, ridiculous babies. And almost all of our attempts to control things- from the natural world to our own relationships- result in destruction or pain.

I know that almost no one reads what I write and that I’m no one of importance in anyone’s life. But that also frees me up to have my say, so let me leave you with a bit of wisdom gleaned from the mountain of my years:

1. Shut your mouth, open your heart, and listen, deeply and without fear. We’re created with two ears and one mouth for a reason. Learn to really listen, because the information is always there.
2. Always be prepared, but allow for the possibility of goodness, love, and joy. You are capable and prepared to withstand “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” but fear- of time/the new/patterns you don’t know/what’s beyond your vision-can prevent you from recognizing and accepting love and joy into your life. Or of  allowing for the unexpected, unplanned grace of an universe older, and with more possibilities, than we can possibly comprehend.
3. As Goethe said,” Be brave and mighty forces will come to your aid.” Look into your fears and name them without shame, because denying them or trying to wall them in won’t work. They will spill out and seep into everything you try to make, drawing you away from your very highest good, and tainting relationships and  your sense of fulfillment.
4. Hone your ability to assess character by being ruthlessly honest with yourself, trusting your gut, your experience and common sense, and maybe you can avoid too much frog kissing. Just remember to take care that you’re really being honest and not hiding behind ego and axioms in order to avoid risk.
5. Dare to be loving and to be loved, no matter how long it takes. You’ll never lose, even if a particular relationship doesn’t work out. You gain confidence, friends, and good stories at the very least.
6. It’s important to understand that love and relationship are different things, and that you can’t always be in relationship with people you might love.
7. Be willing to be yourself from day one- it’s the only way you can possibly find your person. If you scare them off, they weren’t for you, because you can only fake for so long and self betrayal will corrode your entire life and being.

My mom used to say that “there’s a lid for every pot.” And yes, you can use a lid or even a plate if you don’t have the lid made for the pot, and it might do, but when you have the one made for exactly that pot, it slides on and gently grips, covering all the vulnerable spots and allowing for a nice perfectly cooked meal. Your lid might be forgotten in the junk drawer or on back order, but it’s likely that you incarnated around the same time and they’re out there looking in their junk draws too.

Trust yourself and this old assed universe, and Allow. Nothing wrong with being alone, and it’s definitely better than being in a bad relationship, but take a chance and keep your heart open to Love. Nothing to lose, everything to be gained.

Bendiciones, amigos.