Another “Don’t Know Why He’s On My Mind Today” Moment:


Old Time New Yorkers, did any of you know Rich Bartee, the D Train Poet? I hadn’t thought about him much since I learned of his passing, in 2003, but I’m now writing a short piece about him in my memoir, because today he came to mind, pulled up a chair, and stayed until I remembered our many little meetings and conversations.

After an interesting first meeting, we were casual buds for many years when I’d run I’d to him in the Village or Soho. We’d occasionally have a snack or lunch and talk, mostly about his life, or local art/artists, city politics, and community goings on. We knew many of the same people from poetry haunts and music, shared a certain sense of humor and desire for justice.

The first time I met him, he panhandled me in the West Village. After looking him over, I asked if he was hungry and to his great surprise, offered to buy him a meal. I was about ten years his junior, and pretty sheltered, and it was the first time I’d ever made such an offer, but I somehow knew he was not only safe, but like the brothers I’d grown up with who would look out for you when needed.

That conversation at the old Empire Diner, was the first of many over a couple of decades of unplanned meetings, generally between the Village and Soho. I remember my surprise and confusion when he told me he’d been a police officer upstate, among other unexpected paths on his journey. He’d refused to obey what he thought was an immoral order, and paid heavily for his “insubordination.” He also had scars on his skull where he himself had been beaten by police at another time. Perhaps it was his travails that gave him the aura of empathy I felt, and fueled his desire to interact more deeply than with the usual superficialities with others along his path.
He also talked a bit about what sounded like regrets, but I don’t think he would have couched his feelings in those terms. He presented his story as simple facts, occasionally looking to read my reaction, but never seeming to speak performatively.

Even though he was known for his readings on trains, the only time I saw him perform on the train was when he took me for a ride just for that purpose. Although he’d shared poems and other writing with me, watching him on that train full of generally dis/uninterested NYers, was a quick lesson in charisma and art. It was clear that some passengers knew him and smiled, but others were witnesses for the first time and seemed intrigued by what they were seeing and hearing. That says a lot about his charm, because if there is one thing NYers know how to do, it is minding their own business, and ignoring even the most blatant shenanigans.

In all of our meetings, a sense of camaraderie remained. Attractive as he was, the respect he always showed was akin to a brother who perhaps recognized fragility in others and acted with care. He encouraged my writing, assured me that I’d survive after my painful first marriage ended. He was one of those always welcome, familiar faces, back in the 70s- a person in most ways outside of my experience at the time, yet always somehow kin.

I’ve no idea why Rich popped into my mind today and stayed to visit, but here’s to you, my City-streets friend. I hope you’re enjoying yourself on the other side, and having interesting conversations with all the poets, musicians, and other artists from every period in life. I hope you are at peace despite the current political and ethical challenges, and that you know that people still think of you with a smile.

Richard Bartee, The D Train Poet,1943-2003

Old Lady Wisdom

People try to control because they’re afraid. It doesn’t matter if it’s obsessive cleaning/ordering, or building emotional walls/tests/barriers- the root is the same.

Fear couples with denial and creates an inability to be present or to do an accurate assessment of self or others. You become the animal chasing its own tail as you tell yourself various reasons why things are not working as you wish. You try to exert more control, as though Life is completely controllable- that if you just use the right formula, assert the right amount of pressure, give/withhold enough love, figure out the “right thing to do” it will all work out.

That you won’t get hurt in the process.

But Life isn’t controllable, although certain aspects can appear to be for at least a little while. There is an interesting and irritating hubris in thinking that Love, Good Fortune, even Health or Beauty are completely within our control if we’re positive enough, take the right courses, follow this regimen, or that guru. We create and support entire industries with those insecurities, but more importantly, we cut ourselves off from the only things that actually work: openness, the willingness to learn, and the willingness to take our own beliefs with a grain of salt.

A friend who was despairing of ever finding true love grew annoyed with my advice, as though I couldn’t understand her desire and shot out at me, “You had yours!”

And yes, I did have true and abiding love in my life, but it happened because I was foolish enough to marry a man who was crazy enough to propose on our second date, and was confident enough to drop anchor with a woman he’d known a few months at work, and insanely marry six weeks after our first date.

We were lucky: our risks proved to be solid, and through great difficulties and our goodly share of problems, we had 37 intensely loving years together. We made that luck by being open to the possibility of love, because we each knew that failure wouldn’t break us. Because we’d lived through pain and loss in our lives, we could afford to take a risk on the possibility of the good. Because we each also understood that commitment had to equal passion.

There are no guarantees beyond “death and taxes” yet humans keep betting against the house and wondering why our emotional pockets are empty. The Universe is over 13 billion years old. Humans have existed for about 200 thousand. We are babies: arrogant, ignorant, ridiculous babies. And almost all of our attempts to control things- from the natural world to our own relationships- result in destruction or pain.

I know that almost no one reads what I write and that I’m no one of importance in anyone’s life. But that also frees me up to have my say, so let me leave you with a bit of wisdom gleaned from the mountain of my years:

  1. Shut your mouth, open your heart, and listen, deeply and without fear. We’re created with two ears and one mouth for a reason. Learn to really listen, because the information is always there.
  2. Always be prepared, but allow for the possibility of goodness, love, and joy. You are capable and prepared to withstand “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” but fear- of time/the new/patterns you don’t know/what’s beyond your vision-can prevent you from recognizing and accepting love and joy into your life. Or of  allowing for the unexpected, unplanned grace of an universe older, and with more possibilities, than we can possibly comprehend.
  3. As Goethe said,” Be brave and mighty forces will come to your aid.” Look into your fears and name them without shame, because denying them or trying to wall them in won’t work. They will spill out and seep into everything you try to make, drawing you away from your very highest good, and tainting relationships and  your sense of fulfillment.
  4. Hone your ability to assess character by being ruthlessly honest with yourself, trusting your gut, your experience and common sense, and maybe you can avoid too much frog kissing. Just remember to take care that you’re really being honest and not hiding behind ego and axioms in order to avoid risk.
  5. Dare to be loving and to be loved, no matter how long it takes. You’ll never lose, even if a particular relationship doesn’t work out. You gain confidence, friends, and good stories at the very least.
  6. It’s important to understand that love and relationship are different things, and that you can’t always be in relationship with people you might love.
  7. Be willing to be yourself from day one- it’s the only way you can possibly find your person. If you scare them off, they weren’t for you, because you can only fake for so long and self betrayal will corrode your entire life and being.

My mom used to say that “there’s a lid for every pot.” And yes, you can use a lid or even a plate if you don’t have the lid made for the pot, and it might do, but when you have the one made for exactly that pot, it slides on and gently grips, covering all the vulnerable spots and allowing for a nice perfectly cooked meal. Your lid might be forgotten in the junk drawer or on back order, but it’s likely that you incarnated around the same time and they’re out there looking in their junk draws too.

Trust yourself and this old assed universe, and Allow. Nothing wrong with being alone, and it’s definitely better than being in a bad relationship, but take a chance and keep your heart open to Love. Nothing to lose, everything to be gained.

Bendiciones, amigos.