I’m big on people feeling their feelings and acknowledging their emotions. For many reasons, that’s not always easy in our type of society. Every culture teaches the young what’s considered to be acceptable behaviors, and by those behaviors, what can be considered acceptable and unacceptable feelings. Relatively few societies teach the nuances between how one behaves as opposed to how one might feel and validates the feelings despite requesting a different public behavior.
Only recently in the US have parents and teachers begun to teach children about self regulation and understanding themselves as both social and private beings with complex feelings sometimes requiring social modification.
I was explaining this to my own child over forty years ago, telling him that he was entitled to his feelings. I suggested that during an argument with parents, he might be unable to fully express himself, and we might be unable to fully hear what he was saying. I talked to him about power differentials and suggested that he should go to his room and write down his feelings. Importantly, he should consider his argument and write down his points. I could not speak for his father, but I promised that when we were more calm, I would listen to his points and take them seriously, and freely admit it if he proved me wrong.
I wanted him to understand how systems of power/authority work, to understand where he stood in relationship to power, to understand his own feelings and always know that he had the right to feel however he did, and finally, to learn how to make a coherent, logical, fact based argument, and how to present it to any authority figure. I wanted him to understand that even in the face of authority or power, he was never helpless or powerless: that his feelings were important, and that modulation did not mean suppression.
Consequently, little dude kicked my ass after a later argument, and he did it with irrefutable proof of my unfair behavior. I was chastened and also as proud as if he had argued against the Supreme Court and won!
Now, this is a long way to the point I want to make, which is about one specific “emotion”: resentment.
In my opinion, it is the one unacceptable emotion. I don’t even consider it to be an emotion, because unlike anger or joy or hurt, resentment is bred. It is, like some forms of depression, born from suppressed anger. Unlike depression, resentment is anger combined with or wed to a sense of entitlement. Unlike simple depression, resentment is not turned inward even though it lurks under cover. It seethes and is aimed at the person considered to have perpetrated a wrong against you. It is an ugly, roiling mixture that spills over into relationships and spoils or even kills them. It is- again, in my opinion- the anger of cowards. It is never justified. I repeat: resentment is never justified.
I say that having recently spent time with someone who holds deep resentments for ill treatment in the distant past, and easily falls into it now. This is a person who never raises their voice, is controlled and controlling, while always wanting to appear to be reasonable and 1950s Americana “nice.” Meanwhile, they are a whiny, angry mass of unacknowledged feelings with a list of accumulated “wrongs” against them. My suggestion that it would be better to have a clean and clearing argument was immediately shut down and probably added to the resentment.
This person is attractive, a rather brilliant and accomplished scientist, musical, and a good cook, among their many accomplishments and personally lovely traits. Yet they only heard criticisms and felt them far more deeply than they were delivered. It was perplexing to me because my own relationships depend on honesty and clear communication between each person. We commit to always speaking our truth and to always figuring out how to work through our differences, hurts, or anger.
I don’t let many people into my world, but I depend on those in it to love me enough to keep me honest. I know these folks love me and have my back, so when they “pull my coat” to tell me I’m off the wall, or wrong about something, I take it seriously and listen, and we talk. This is the pattern with close friends, family, and my late husband. I don’t understand how you can have real intimacy if you can’t talk about anything and everything truthfully, even if it’s painful to say or hear.
Which means you have to figure out rules for difficult conversations and arguments. My people and I use safe words/phrases. Going back to that conversation with my then seven year old, we agreed on a phrase that indicated things were too heated and that we must each back off and cool down before resuming. In my life with my husband, we had similar cues. When my friends or I am going through rough periods, when we call, we use the phrase from Marathon Man: “Is it safe?”
They can then say if they’re up for conversation or not, but it also always makes us laugh and lightens the moment before going any further. What works has to be negotiable and agreed upon, as well as respected by all concerned.
It was important that in all cases, we made note of our feelings and the points we wanted to make. We also made the commitment to really hear, not just sit quietly, when the other person stated their case. To take it in and take an honest, even hard look at ourselves and our part in the problem. To take responsibility and not only apologize if wrong, but to figure out how to avoid repeating the behavior(s) and to be more aware of how what we do or say impacts others. Not to repress ourselves, but to put our creativity into finding healthier ways to express ourselves. To recognize that might sometimes require outside assistance/therapy, and to value ourselves and our loved ones enough to do the work.
I don’t use the terms “friend” or “love” lightly. If I consider you a friend, my bond is one of family. To the best of my ability, I will have your back. I will listen and share your joys and sadness. I won’t let you go outside with a boogey hanging from your nose or wearing an unflattering outfit unless you’re in disguise. If it was a righteous murder, I’m your alibi (hahaha).
Yeah, I’m that sister, and I expect the same in return, whether you’re my lover or a regular friend. I’m not a casual kind of person, and there are few things that will lead me to abandon a friendship/loved one once I make that commitment. Even after a major blow out, when any trauma has receded, I will always attempt to talk and reconcile our differences unless I decide that the relationship is harmful to me or my family in some way that is insurmountable. The only two close relationships I’ve ever had with people that couldn’t be bridged, was with people who hoarded their resentments at the expense of love. It was heartbreaking to watch people I loved risk or wreck their relationships with others, not only me. Because I do consider that maybe I was the asshole in those cases. Certainly I know I contributed in the first one, because I didn’t then understand the shame and guilt my friend harbored from childhood abuses.
In the second, my lover was unable to be honest or discuss emotions as equals. They did not trust the depth of my feelings or commitment as they had never experienced that kind of relationship. But more pointedly, from childhood, they had never felt that they could speak out when they were treated unfairly. They had never learned the emotional or communication skills they needed and they were unwilling to do so, even as a mature and safe adult. The deeper mistrust was in themselves and their fear of being misused or taken advantage of: their lack of trust in themself.
I saw this respected elder behave in the most petty ways I’d ever experienced in another being, even as a teen nor by any gender. That, more than anything, took me aback and made me want to understand the gap between my perception of this soul and the self perception and insecurities that propelled them through life.
I guess in the course of seven decades, I’ve had a pretty good track record in maintaining freindships, but it’s still sad to have lost any friends you genuinely loved.
So yeah: resentment is a useless set of emotions. A “weapon of the weak.” to paraphrase James Scott. Be brave, people: speak your truth, and trust yourself and your loved ones to do so. The people who love you already do, and they probably already know how you feel. If they don’t, do them the honor of sharing yourself with them. Anger has a place in the pantheon of emotions. If you’re hurt or angry or both, it’s important to express those honest emotions. Resentment is dishonesty: it’s hurt and anger in an ugly disguise and it can cost you the best relationships you might have had.
“Be brave and mighty forces will come to your aid..” Goethe
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