Enjoying a late breakfast, watching an anole hanging out on the BBQ shelf when a smaller insect scurried by and Anole jumped like lightening, devouring the bug in one big bite.
First time seeing an anole hunt and it was surprising: little dudes are fast, and those wee jaws open like a crocodile’s! No struggle, no pain: bug was just disappeared in a flash.
Condolences to the unknown bug’s relations.
Respect, Brown Anole lizard! Glad you’re wee and tiny compared to me.
The little creek behind the house is almost dry this morning.
I don’t remember it being so these past two summers. I worry.
The creek is dry and sounds from the farm that was behind us
are sounds of heavy equipment, not the sounds of tractors, threshers, or such.
In my mind these are sounds of Death.
Death to trees and all who dwell within and around,
Death to rivers, streams, and creeks.
I’ll listen tonight for tree frogs and hope that their din is undiminished
That no more housing’s being built for what seems mostly to be the worst of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Ohio…
We have good neighbors, but so many are the ones we hoped to leave behind,
reincarnations of the Confederacy: racist, sexist, and cannot cook.
They join the “Redneck Brigades” of the Carolinas, but reshape it into their controlling and manicured images.
They hate the Spanish moss that hangs from live oaks, bring plants foreign to this soil, then rant about increasing pollen.
Prefer the foods from supermarkets or artisan shops created by trust fund babies to our local Mom and Pop fish markets, BBQ, chicken shacks, and joints, and they denigrate the very cultures whose charms attracted them here to start with.
I see this across the country, but mostly in the South, where so few people have power to fight the Powers that conspire to let this happen. They take the kickbacks, retire where they can live like kings, expanding the cycle further and far, cluck about the shame of it all, keeping folks hating “damn Northerners” while never seeing who’s selling the land and heritage.
I wonder what happens when no workers can afford to live and work nearby? Will you complete your dreams of feudal lordships with servants all around, dependent on your land and charity, no church left to regulate usury or the thickness of the sticks with which you beat your human chattel?
I hear all this in these early morning sounds and want to scream out to people,
Rise up, revolt, remember who you are, not who they tell you to be!
But I’m just another Cassandra, like every other wife whose husbands appeared to listen, but continued on towards Doom.
Every Fannie Lou, every Che, every Malcolm, Patrice, and Grace; every Angela, Stokely, and Miriam; Lolita, Ramon and Segundo, and every Dennis, Clyde, and Russell: listened to, but not fully heard, because actions are too few, when any.
The young ones seem so conscious: of Earth Mother, and others who labor round the world,
Of animals and water, clean air, and joy.
I pray each day, afraid it might be too late, but knowing that we cannot, must not, will not give in to despair. I worry as I hear them buying into ideas of generation gaps and lumping elders all together, rejecting the allies with experience and love. Perhaps the chain of Community is irrevocably broken, because they’ve never known a world without 24-7 ads of propaganda,
Never seen groups working across differences for the good of all.
They’ve never known Yangtze River dolphins, nor white rhinos, or golden toads beyond some stories or photos,
Just loss and overstimulation, and rhetoric that makes them think that the workers who bought into American Dreams had Power instead of seeing them as deluded peers to be wakened from their strivers’ dreams.
My hopes are few, yet violently strong:
I wish to wake every sleeping mindset,
shake every single body into wakefulness and agreement on these very few, deathly crucial things.
I’ve prayed to be the Avenging Angel of Justice since seven, and pray now to smite each greedy leader who sacrifices our Earth and Her living souls for their short sighted gains and power.
I wish to fly like lightning, swooping down to save and avenge the planet I love and everything that is part of the natural world.
But I wish to understand what makes such creatures tick before I smite, that my justice is right and righteous. To have it explained, ‘cause their lack of humanity spells death not only for me and mine, but also the children they purport to love, and to whom they’ll bequest their soul forsaken world. I wonder how such creatures exist or think and how they cannot get the basic facts of life and physics: we are all connected through Life. That the illusion of separation is strong, but it is the ultimate joke towards understanding the Universe and how it works: we recognize or die. Unity or Destruction: there is no middle way.
I wonder, as my father instructed, and try not to worry, as it’s ultimately counter productive to action, and action is what I need and want and what might (maybe?) save our world.
But mostly I want to see this world restored to full beauty. To have the children grow with grace and awe, and elders grow wise and kind. To see the animals thrive and plants renew, for arts and healing and generational concern to be our leaders.
For rain to once again taste sweet and not acidic. I want the babies safe and nurtured and loved, be they two legged, four legged, winged, crawling, or fanged. I want Life.
And being the crazy old lady I am, I dare to dream this dream awake:
I dare to dream of the Peace the comes from Balance, from a sensitive, affirming rendering of Justice. The Peace that’s born from a universal and eternally wise Love. The Peace that meets the heart’s desire in harmony with the cosmic song.
I want to see everything false fall to dust and get blown away to Source, perhaps to be reformed into something useful and good. Like Victor’s father in Smoke Signals, I want to wave my hand and restore all that is good. My waking dream.
6/17/24
Daily noting birdsongs of the first hour of dawn. Ray and Daddy were right: wondering beats worrying every time.
My mother wanted only one child and I was number five. Despite that issue and her many struggles to keep a large and sometimes difficult household running smoothly and efficiently, my mother cared for a problematic mother in law, didn’t hesitate to add an elderly relative with no other home, or to take in a local kid who had a particularly difficult family life.
She was strong and tired, impatient and incredibly kind, frugal yet generous, and although she didn’t approve of some of my choices, I knew that my mother loved me beyond the general care that she showed to everyone under her roof: that her softness was always there when I was most fragile, and that she would enlist an army to fight for me and my siblings if we were in the right and failing to muster our own forces.
She was fearless in defense of her children and others, and it was known that she would spank every kid on the block if they were misbehaving beyond the normal kiddy antics. Kids also knew that if she was baking (and she often did) they would get a treat, same as we did. She never blamed children for their short comings or bad behavior, and had an uncanny eye for the kids who needed extra care.
It was she who grew angry when I mentioned that a kid in class missed days and came in several times with black eyes and a broken arm. Our teacher said he was “accident prone” and made light of it, but Mommy bristled in anger saying, “That boy’s being abused! Somebody’s beating on that child.” I was shocked and freaked out that she’d drawn such a different conclusion, but although she said no more to me, I found out later that she quietly spoke to my teacher and the school authorities, and “Danny” had no more “accidents” that year.
As I got older, I realized how many people she helped in various ways and how big her heart was, despite her often strict demeanor. That so much of that strictness was born of her understanding of how cruel and mean the world can be and her fear for all the innocents and the vulnerable people of the world. That her empathy was hard to bear when she had so few resources to offer. That she understood that her mission and need was to guarantee that we’d survive without her.
She maybe worried most for me, her dreamy eyed, romantic, and artistic daughter- completely unprepared emotionally for the realities I would face. But I knew I had her in my corner. That I could call on, and conjure up a line of women who had gone through more with far fewer resources, and “lived to tell the story.” That I would see my way through and never be the weak link in that chain of women, from my mother and all the way back to “Mitochondrial Eve.” That somewhere within me, I was my mother’s daughter and that if I tapped into that, I would be alright, no matter what.
My mother continues to comfort me and be my resolve when I need it. I feel her presence at times, as though she’s with me, not just remembered, and it gives me heart. It reminds me that I have been and will be loved.
She is always and ever, my Mom.
Ok, I’m breaking my recent vow to post no more than 7 things per day on that other site (not counting meme dumps) because despite the many responses to this ^ (above) random post that I noticed on someone’s page, to my horror, not one response I read questioned how “love” was being defined! I’ve often heard people with all good intentions say things like “We all just want to be loved” and it hits my buttons and raises red flags each time, because what we mean by “love” varies by temperament, gender, culture, age, and time. It’s not a simple given that we all want it or if we do, what that would look like and be for us as individuals or a corporate group.
Love isn’t merely “attraction” or “shared interests” or “class” as many seem to have been taught. It also doesn’t exist without “respect,” a word many submitted, but didn’t think to clarify.
To me, this was yet another example of how people not only misunderstand each other and skim the surface of “meaning,” but also an example of cultural socialization that doesn’t serve our relationships, or help us to understand the systems in which we reside.
Interestingly, it’s another one of those things I always tried to explore in my classes, and it was generally the first time students had ever considered not only the legal, familial, religious, and professional significances of marriage, but the aesthetic and sexual connections to how we understand “love” and “marriage.”
Wittgenstein said “Love is not an emotion. Love is put to the test.” It certainly evokes great amounts of emotion, but it is in fact, a set of relationships and interactions, both personal and communal. And its presentation and reception reflects and confronts the standards, both implicit and explicit, of the particular culture/society. And so do the terms we employ, which means that if we’re not in agreement about how we’re using these terms and we’re relying solely on our own feelings, or political/familial/religious traditions, or other individual contexts, we’re not only in different conversations, we’re weakening relational bonds.
Everyone “misspeaks” at times (notice the original post’s mistake) but if we have an extended relationship with that person we may know their intent or linguistic patterns well enough to fill in the missing or correct word. In those cases we may show grace and it may even become the source of an on-going joke between friends with shared histories.
But what about when you don’t know the speaker? What if they’re in a position of authority/power? Context matters, words matter. I’m not the Grand Poobah of Love, nor do I claim more than personal expertise on that particular subject, (although the song running through my head right now is the first line in the 1962 Exciters song, Tell Him.) I do however, have a good understanding of what words do and how they work in language, as well as the effect of words and word choices on our audience, intended and not.
And I wonder about the intentions of such queries when they go beyond personal amusement. Like it or not, we’re all engaged in a social experiment and research on the social media in our lives. The fact that in theory we can “reach” millions of people around the world in an instant places an increased responsibility to know more and accept “difference” without imposing our parochial views and opinions. It requires us to understand that if we’re going to communicate effectively and negotiate the myriad relationships we might develop through education, business, travel, hobbies, etc. we must first sit down and hash out our a priori beliefs and understandings within the contextual framework we share. It means that the words we use can be fraught with meaning and we must know that as we enter unfamiliar spaces or renegotiate older relationships.
The requirement has always been there, but we have generally ignored it in judging people within our societies, particularly those perceived to be of lower status.
And that’s maybe what “love” might have to do with it, but maybe it’s just the easiest way to establish any relationship and to build communities that serve the greatest number within that society.
Phew! It’s an unwanted colonizer that takes over and sets up house inside you, follows you everywhere, seeming to sometimes relent but always returning, unbidden and often surprisingly.
A deep and ugly scar that never stops throbbing, and won’t be ignored. You live with it: the phantom limb of loss. You talk your way through the daily tasks because the body goes on, seemingly soulless, rudderless, all purpose and desires gone. The things that anchored your life vanish, leaving you not merely adrift, but blood-soaked chum in shark infested waters.
Is this still “life”? More a Purgatory that you cannot pray or repent your way out of. And some days, it is just pure Hell.
You try to keep it to yourself, but also know that there’s something entirely wrong with a society that doesn’t mourn deeply and skirts around feelings. Where many relationships are investments: all form, no substance.
I want a Greek or African type period of wailing: rending of clothes, ashes on my forehead, women keening all around me. Full throttled acknowledgement of the loss of the Beloved, who deserves and rates the stopping of clocks and covering of mirrors, all the actions of loss that spill outside the lines of daily life and boil over in messy clumps of grief not readily wiped away. I feel a bond with all those who have loved deeply and lost, no matter what the relationship. We are veterans of a horrid war, trapped in post trauma, clutching at bits of life and not knowing why.
Grief is a true connection to our humanity and the only surety that comes with birth. It is the terrible and murderous price of love, and perhaps the reason society denies all depths and pain, refuses to allow shared grief in full, and waxes prettily about ways of “moving on/going forward, and worst of all, “getting over it.” Love becomes another disposable item, replaced with people or things, but never plumbed, never allowed to annihilate our “was” to see what’s left or might emerge on its own like a tiny green shoot after a forest fire. Never risking the real, searing pain and suffering that comes from the loss of a life completely entwined with someone who is quite simply you. We are instead zombified: spent debris hoping to be up-cycled, perhaps practical, but never again achieving the singular and fluorescent beauty that being loved produced.
1,085 days I’ve cried out in pain, sometimes softly, often loudly, as though my cries might move some nonexistent being to divinely intervene, send my love back to me, make these years a terrible dream that alters our lives, forever chastened and appreciative. I want a story with an ending I can live with: the hero’s journey completed and survived, now coming home to a hard won and deeply felt peace.
I wake up confused every single day, not understanding how I continue to exist without him, how we can possibly exist on different planes, how he can have ceased to be. It makes no sense, and every single day, my mind and body reject any reality in which we are not together, squabbling, laughing, dancing, making food and music, and loving each other with a complete trust that surprised and confused me for thirty seven years. That I could love someone as deeply as my own blood and bone was amazing to me as has been three years of anguished grief. I never thought I could feel so much except for my child, nor did I understand that love grows deeper, wider, stronger, beyond every boundary of the mind or senses, beyond the pretty words in any song or poetry, a powerful thing that alters your being in every possible way and lifts what you didn’t even know wasn’t there. You felt complete, but love grows an entirely new you that cannot have existed without such love. A seed? A song unwritten? A depth of self undiveable without the oxygen of Love.
And feeling such a well and wealth of love, how is it possible that we can be separated? How horrible and great the force required to separate two such magnets, united in passion and love. How evil and cruel that force must be. It cannot possibly be neutral and wreak such damage: we can only hope that reincarnation exists and that the crime committed in some other life can be absolved and balance restored. But three years later, despair wrangles with acceptance, science, and intellect, none convincing to my heart.
Bereft, bothered, and bewildered, I grieve.
Opening the curtains in the sunroom on Thursday, I noticed an anole near the door. It didn’t move as I got closer and I feared that it was dead. As I sadly prepared to remove it, he moved, but lethargically. Realizing that it was probably sluggish due to the overnight temperature drop, I reassured him and turned on the little heater I keep there, then left the room.
Returning an hour later, no anole! Scanning quickly and hoping that he was safely ensconced in a planter or huddling with his family, as I walked into the room, I felt a presence. Looking down, I saw that my missing friend was in fact luxuriating in my chair, like some tiny king on his bed-throne!
Laughing, and appreciating his good taste in seating, I asked only that he clean up after himself, then I left dear Freeman to enjoy his rest.
As an adult, I have never made New Year’s resolutions. I have a couple of traditional rituals, but they don’t involve promises of any type. I also don’t consider January 1 to be the start of the year and chalk off continuing or new annoyances to be the final dregs of the year until the Lunar New Year begins.
However, in an attempt to at least shift a bit and move past the grueling and unbearable level of anguish I’ve been in since my husband died, I made a personal resolve to try to be more present in my life and accept the reality in which I continue to reside. To live and not merely exist.
I also decided that I will indulge in “I told you so” and acts of petty revenge whenever possible. To whit, my first act of “Petty” in 2024:
I was minding my business, checking the information for a past order on Amazon, when their bot asked me to review past purchases. I ignored it and it asked again, this time stating that if I wrote five reviews it would tell me a joke. My reviews come cheap and I’m a sucker for a joke. Today marked 1,000 days since my beloved died, so for the sake of a laugh, I started writing.
With each one, there was an encouraging Bot note counting down the number to completion. But when I finished the five, BOT had booked! No joke, no thank you, nada.
This didn’t sit well with me, so I decided to contact Customer Service. The service bot couldn’t cope with the fact that I had a problem not directly related to a specific purchase, so I was soon directed to a human by phone.
To the poor woman who called, I patiently explained the problem, acknowledging that it was unlikely that she could help. Following my explanation, she was, as expected, confused. She then contacted someone else who was also stumped. I asked if there was an IT person who could send the joke or change the program so that people weren’t being promised items they couldn’t deliver on. Of course, they were helpless and remained befuddled, despite my obvious amusement. (As a friend noted, they might simply have told a joke over the phone, but I don’t think their English or job description covered this situation.)
After hanging up, I decided to email Amazon, explaining the problem and demanding compensatory jokes as well as the originally promised joke. I said that I knew they carried them, because Amazon Echo’s got jokes! Terrible jokes, but jokes, so I knew that they warehoused them somewhere, perhaps in Bezos mind.
I now await my jokes. I won’t give up and will contact them daily if necessary. A promise is a promise. The BOT specifically said “I’ll tell you a joke” not play a joke on me. As a worker and union member, when I complete a job, I expect payment. I’m retired, have time, and a weird sense of humor. This can become part of my daily sadhanna/spiritual practice. 🧘🏾♀️Like the Blues Brothers, I’m on a mission from god. (Not that God, the one “karens”are always entreating. Yeesh, people!)
The Force of Pettiness is strong within me this year, and I will not be denied. Beats crying every day, and I have a lot of anger that my husband died. Might as well use some of it creatively. Excelsior!
Holidays are brutal because Rayo loved them and was like a kid around Christmas. He was the antidote to my Grinchiness via his patience, perseverance, and passion. The cleaning, cooking, baking, and anxiety were relieved by his silly faces, kisses on my neck, and that outstretched hand, inviting me to dance.
I am easily annoyed, quick tempered, and seldom forgiving, but I could never stay angry at Raymond. I knew he had no malice in him and never intentionally hurt anyone he loved, despite his failings. And once we started dancing, it was inevitable that I would laugh, and he would be forgiven, even when I was annoyed that I couldn’t stay angry.
He was, is, and always will be, embedded in my heart. And as is my determined and serious way, I will not forgive him for leaving me here without his comfort and cheer, in a state where my heart remains imprisoned in grief. He will not be forgiven.
At least not until I see his loving hand reach out for me and we dance together again.
I haven’t been blogging because life has been pretty relentlessly difficult, physically and emotionally, and I don’t want to write only of pain and grief. There have been vile racist incidents in our little town, and the world is on fire with hatred and sorrow. Although we all suffer sometimes and it can help to empathize and know you’re not alone, it can also be tiresome to get stuck in that groove.
My close friends know that when I’m close to or feeling despair, I tend to post funny things- always searching for that stray bit of dopamine or serotonin that might be hiding somewhere in my body. At the very least, finding a moment’s pleasure in making others smile or laugh, distracting my self from the overwhelming grief.
But today, I was awakened by the realization that Leap Year Day will mark what should be our 40th anniversary, and I was again engulfed in agony and then fury- angry that we no longer exist on the same plane and that there are no guarantees that we ever will again. That he wasn’t here yesterday when our granddaughter stopped by to sing her latest song creations and see the beautiful, funny, and kind person that she is. That my body still looks for him each morning and waits for him every evening, and has cried every single day when it again hits me that I can’t wake up from this awful dream.
After about an hour of raging grief, I knew I should get moving and shift the mood, so in the still pre-dawn hour, I did a couple of stretches and jumped out of bed, determined to be present, and attend to the tropical plants in the cold sunroom.
Stepping carefully through the dark to them, I apologized for my mood, promising to give them their usual compliments a bit later in the day. Adjusting the heater and opening the drapes, I noticed one star in the dark, dark sky. In nightgown and slippers, I decided to step out into the freezing night to look without screens, and saw that the one star had dozens of friends across the sky: little shards of light, twinkling their hearts out, with nary a thought for wee human concerns.
And once again, my solace came from Nature: I am always stunned back into Beauty, perspective, humility, and gratitude, trite as those terms have become.
So another day has come, and all there is to do is to wish you a Happy Solstice Day.
shamamaspeaks 